The skunk of life.....

So I recently experienced the wrath of a skunk , my genius puppy Gizmo decided that he wanted to go up against a skunk. well as you can guess it sprayed him in the face. This dog reaked omg i dont think ive ever smelled anything so bad. I had to wonder while i was bathing Gizzy, why on earth something like the skunk exists. What is its purpose? they are disgusting and do they benefit the world ummmm no! So my only conclusion to the existence of the skunk is it is here to teach lessons. It teaches certain animals not to mees with it, it teaches people to swerve like heck to miss them so u dont have to smell it, and finally it has taught this heartbroke little girl that you cant keep holding on to pieces of the past because it makes you hopeful that the past can exist again, and you cant move on from it. well my last piece of the past was covered in the nasty skunk smell and had to be thrown away, I shed a tear for it but i have definatel decided Im better off today! ~A~

Its my choice

Everything is a choice, everyday is a choice. Lately i've been choosing the wrong choice. I have let those around me affect my mood and my self confidence and thats not me. As far as i know im a strong independent outgoing, hilarious person. I want to find that person again. Lately ive just given up on myself and let the people around me run me everyday. So this is my note really for my own benefit to remind myself what im doing and why im doing it , and what i can acomplish with just being me. I plan on sticking to my goals and to quit letting this depressing society and its dysfunctional inhabitants run my day to day doings. I want to be the person all my friends know me as again! That is all.....~A~

My poor gene gene !

Today was another typical boring friday! I was thinking to myself what would i do without my little car eugene he is amazing, he's black, sexy, fast, does what I want, well basically he's perfect, except I've come to the conclusion that this cities inhabitants hate my poor little gene gene, so far he has been hit twice. The first time some lady just decided that she wanted her car to meet gene and decided to join our lane in the same spot we were in, WELCOME! well 1 1/2 weeks without my gene gene and he got all fixed up good as new. Well last week we were driving behind a green truck in the parking lot at school and we were a little over a car length behind the truck well another car was gunna back out of a parking space and this truck just flipped into reverse, and despite me laying on the horn and holding it down as hard as possible welp eugene met big dodge pickups hitch = hole through bumper which also means another trip to the car docter and i have to be without him for 2 days and drive another rental car ugh but i am thankful that both people that hit him have insurance and it was their fault both times. Now as i said earlier eugenes a little fast and sometimes he has a mind of his own and i dont argue with him then he gets me in these horrible situations that involve the popo. well thats never fun but since i got eugene i have been pulled over 20 times all together i have been pulled over 24 times. Only 1 ticket and that was the 2nd time i got pulled over and i took stop class so its not even on my record. :) this last cop that pulled us over on our way to colorado springs, i had to laugh cause he told me that he was happy with me and not giving me a ticket because i wasnt on my phone and I had my seatbelt on, well little did he know i was on the phone with my cousin wen he turned his lights on after me i hurried and told her i had to go i was being pulled over and i slipped on my seatbelt. ;) well now i know what some of you are thinking and rest assured that 99% f the time i wear my seabelt that was one of the rare times that i didnt have it on opps! But im hopin that this is the last time eugene has to go to the doctor so we'll see! ~until next time~A~

today i loved

Today i loved myself. now this may sound odd but this is a rare happening. I laughed at myself, im actually pretty dang funny. I loved how i looked today, I went to the gym this morning and i loved how i felt after that. I've given up on searching for love because i only become dissapointed and self-hating. I figure I sound pretty damn desperate when i always talk about how i want love well im done looking it will find me when it finds me. Plus I've found that i have more self-loving days when im living for myself and god rather than when im looking for love and trying to look like and become something some man is going to want. I figure im a pretty desireable thing to have and someday some guy will be lucky to have me, for now ill just focus on letting go to god. We'll see how that goes, i only says this not in doubt of what god can do if i put all my trust in him, but how i will handle letting go all the control I have because I'm borderline control-freak! ~love A~

what i want

I feel like im being demanding but ive found that i dont have patience anymore. I dont wanna wait for the person that god has for me i want someone to love me now. I want someone to go hiking with and have awesome summer plans with. I want someone to take home and introduce to my family. I want someone who loves sports and will paint their face with me to go to a game and have awesome pictures together of us rockin the face paint and matching jerseys. I want someone to stand out in the cold and pump my gas for me, not because im lazy but because they wanna take care of me. I want someone to go to the gym with me and encourage me to work harder, not because they only think ill be beautiful if i lose weight, but because they know how bad i want to better myself. I want someone who will dance in the rain with me. I want someone who is ok with watching all the animated movies with me; like finding nemo, the emporers new groove, and the incredibles.I want someone who will get excited with me about my school work and what ive done. i want someone who is ok with me making a total fool of myself in the middle of a store, why yes i do dance in the middle of the isles :) I want someone to go on roadtrips with and blast the music as loud as possible. ok im done venting/whining ...Im 21 years old so i really can be patient and wait sometimes i just need to whine because i dont want to wait!!!!! But I will. :)

Hello new life

Well hello again. It has been quite sometime since I have last written and I am quite sorry for the lapse in time. I feel like i just got caught up in life and forgot about this little blog i have going that helps me feel so much better about my life once i express exactly how im feeling so to catch up to the now. I am successfully in colorado, this is my home ii love it here, I just recently signed a lease on an apartment in downtown denver, school is going well I am getting good grades in all y classes and im not struggling too much. I have made awesome friends who i have already become so close to and I have been exercising regularly and am getting a little step closer to my weight loss goal. so far my poor car has been hit twice and he has to get new parts this city hates him, but i love him so much. my dogs are doing awesome they love all the exercise and attention they get here because my lifes a little more balanced here and theres more to do. Ive fit in wonderfully at my church and I love it I volunteer at the college group and have met several new friends there. I miss my family my mom & dad, y nanny & papa, everyone else, but especially my brother. He is the icing to my cake, the flame to my fire, y best friend and i never ever thought that those type of words would be coming out of my mouth but i cant help it he has become such a special little man in my life i just cant live with out him ( well maybe not little he's like 6'3" but hes still my baby brother) I absolutely adore him and i cant stand being so far away from him. He's such a hard worker and just an amazing boy its so hard here without him

valentines day, love, and God

Love...what is it really? I have found myself contemplating this word/emotion/feeling, many a times over the past few years. What is it? Why can't I find it? Is what i have right now it? Am I loved like I feel like I love others? There are various definitions.....- a strong positive emotion of regard and affection, -a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction, is this what it comes down to ....really "To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." - H.L. Mencken "Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it." - Robert Mitchum
"Love stretches your heart and makes you big inside." - Margaret Walker.

These are just a few of the great quotes of peoples very definitions and perceptions of Love.
As I read these I wonder wat is it going to be for me? I thought I had found it but if what I found wasn't love then what is it really. Valentines days first of all sucks!!! but secondly reminds those of us that dont have a significant other that we are ALONE. most "holidays" are very family oriented and lets get together and "love" one anothers presence in a large group. But Valentines day is one of the most secluding holidays. It says if you dont have a significant other dont go out cause it will make you be around everything that you're missing out on. But if youre not feeling alone enough already please turn on the tv and watch all the jewlery and hallmark commercials that some guys are actually watching and taking notes cause theyre gunna do that for their girl on the 14th. So I like to imagine that one day I will be lucky enough to have someone think of me when they see those things. I just keep hping one day that WILL happen to me!! So where does god fit into this love thing because I honestly believe he has someone picked out for me I just wish he'd throw them my way soon! So for now Im gunna keep god close to my heart and not let anyone else in I'm gunna focus on God, myself, my dogs, my school, and my work and hopefully someone will find there way right in between those spaces until then gotta focus on me!

Settling in

Well as you know I have a job now and its great, I love it. Its very convenient, I get to know all sorts of different people, and it pays well. Which is always a plus!!! So My family came down this weekend which was great I've missed them so much! We hung out @ the hotel, went shopping, and watched the superbowl on sunday. On monday they came to my college which was really exciting for me to have them see where im going to be at where I felt fits my life. I was so excited to have them there. Now im trying to start a budget and work out and get my life balanced for me. Which is really weird because ive never had so much time to think about myself and what I want. Well I may have had the time but never did it cause i was always worrying about someone else. But its kinda nice im not gunna lie. So far being here in Colorado I have felt good about myself everyday! I know im finally where I need to be! Doing what I need to do!! Its a fantastic feeling. I feel really strong and empowered because everything is falling into place. I've found a chrurch, I have a place to live, My dogs are here with me, my family supports what i am doing( and has helped me get here BIG TIME), Ive found a school I know I'll Love, and my job is going to be flexible and pay well enough I can do all of that. I am just excited to be here and can't wait to see what this next year has in store.

motivational song of the DAY.....YEAR!!!!!

It's so like you just to show up at my doorAnd act like nothin's happenedYou think I'll sweep my heart up off the floorAnd give it to youLike so many times beforeYou're talking to a strangerI'm not that girl anymore

[Chorus]That girl is long gone Boy you missed the boat it just sailed awayLong goneShe's not drowning in her yesterdaysBetcha never thought I'd be that strongWell this girl is long gone

Don't waste your breath with baby baby please Cuz I am so not listening Don't bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg meI'm tired of how you twist the truthYou're not talking to the same girl Who used to forgive you

[Repeat Chorus]Gone like the wind under Superman's capeLike a thief in the night I made the great escapeI'm not the kind of girl that keeps making the same mistakes

[Chorus]That girl is long goneBoy you missed the boat it just sailed awayLong goneI'm not drowning in my yesterdaysBetcha never thought I'd be that strong, betcha didn'tYeah well baby I proved you wrongThis girl is long gone, long goneThis girl is long gone, long goneThis girl is long goneThis girl is gone

Well I have successfully obtained a job here in Colorado! Thank God! cause I was gettin really nervous. But before that I went to church on Sunday to an Awesome church its called Flatirons Community church! The sermon was fantastic and made me want to listen I didnt want to ceck my phone cause i didnt want to miss what he was saying! He talked about sins and being forgiven no matter what it is you have donem we specifically looked at Luke 7:36-50. This was about the woman that came to simons dinner party and she was a prostitue she wasnt invited but came because she knew jesus was there. she washed his feet which noone else had done before he entered the house. Being forgiven becase she loved much, he also said he who has been forgiven little loves little. Well I thought about this on my drive home and how the pastor had also tied into this message that religious people can be responsible for sending more people to hell then welcoming them to heaven. Just like simon and the pharasies were responsible for judging this girl and offering no forgivness. Jesus knew what she had done in her life and forgave her anyway and the thing that got me was he knows that shes gunna screw up more and that he still forgave her. I am so glad that my god is this loving and that I dont get into heaven based on my judgment from others. I think that this is where Im going to begin my journey to become a better christian and that is forgiving those that have wronged me and knowing that they will probably mess up again but forgiving them anyway. Now I do believe that there is a difference in forgiving someone for what they have done to you and becoming better for yourself and christ, and becoming a doormat and letting people hurt you ovoer and over. Now I plan on doing the first forgiving them for what they did but also keeping my distance as to not sacrifice my own self worth.
Now back to the job! I have been here for 2 weeks and I was starting to get discouraged and angry, thinking that this would never work out and that I would have to go back to nebraska. But then I got a call Monday from 2 places for interviews on tuesday! I was so stoked, went to the first one it was a little scary it was down on the west side of denver! So the building was a little sketchy but i went in and the people were nice but dirty I went through the interview and she said she would call me by monday! Then i went to my other interview at 3. The buiding was nice and clean the people were clean. this was an actual office building. I went through the interview and then she offered me the job! I have to wait for my backround check to go through and i either start friday or tuesday! Thank you Lord!!!

"The Past"

I was inspired for this next entry because I got a happy little phone call I like to call the past. This past has realized that things weren't so bad in the past, and now that I am starting to get my life together and know which direction I'm going and what I wanna do that I look so much more desireable then...lets just say the pasts current choice for its path. As I sat on the phone I thought to my self hello Amanda!!!!????!!!! wake up YOU CAN"T change the past. It's always gunna be there but you can move on to the present and plan for the future!!!! But the past is just the past no matter how much you loved it it changed and chose to become your past and you need to let it stay there!!! I was in tears making this realization with myself! But where theres big tears and big pain....HUGE gain will come from it. I have grown as a person just tonight and plan to continue growing and looking for a future! I'm Sorry past as much as I loved you you have to stay the past. I am ok wit finding out on my own who I am going to be in the future. And hopefully future will find me and wisk me away!!!

My 2010 Goals

So in all this time ive had to think about things because i dont have a job to fill my time I have decided to write about my resolutions so I'm sure not to forget them.
1. To reinvent my relationship with Christ. I have found that with the past few years of my life I have strayed deeply from him, It all started when I decided that I was going to prove to God and the world that I could change a person, well after years of trying I learned the hard way that people have to want to change you can't just change them because you want them to no matter how bad you want it.This is where my new life has begun starting with a move out of state. This has been my greatest leap I was so scared but I decided if this isnt what God wants then he wont provide for me. So starting with that leap I have been here for 1 week and he hasnt provided yet. I'm hoping and praying a job will come along, I lie awake thinking about it everynight. I tallied up all the applications that i have out right now and it added up to right about 55-60.
2. To lose 45 lbs. Now I know everyones new years resolution is to lose weight and most ppl that I tell how much I want to lose think that OMG! thats so much. But really for me It's just right. I plan on trying to stick to p90x. I started friday and since then Tony Horton Has absolutely kicked my butt. He is so hardcore its almost intimidating. But it's totally worth it.
3. To become closer with my mom. I find my self still at my age feeling like I need to hide things from her. Like she's not gunna accept me or something. Well I've come to the conclusion that its now easier to tell her things since I'm not living in her house anymore. Things may get tense but we're like 500 miles away. I looke around and see ppl who havent talked to their moms in years and it's heartbreaking. I can barely go a day without hearing from her. I want our relationship to be stronger and to get there I need to become more responsible! Which leads me to my next goal.
4. Become financially responsible! This is something I have always struggled with. I spend more than I have then I pay outrageous amounts in overdraft fees and late payment fees and this has since hurt my credit immensly. By the end of this year I would like to have everything paid off except my car. I want to start saving. In order to do this I already figured myself out that I need 2 different accounts so that I cant access my savings unless I go into the bank. This is because I literally get anxiety if I know theres more than 10 bucks in my account and I immediately want to go spend it. I get the same kind of anxiety when I'm in a store and know i shouldnt buy anything but just need to so that I have the satisfaction of walking out with something in hand. By 2011 I want to not experience this anxiety and have a nice amount of money built up in my savings.
5. This is going to sound lame but in 2010 I want to go on at least one real date. I want to be asked for my nmber, called and asked when i can meet for dinner. I want to be picked up and taken to dinner and a movie or not necessairly a movie but something thats date worthy. perhaps the aquarium?!?
6. And my final goal for 2010 is to find my true self and be Happy. Once all these other goals are met I know that this one will be easily achieved.

New Life

So I havent been on in a while mainly because i made a huge life change! I Moved to colorado 6 days ago I am living in parker which is a suburb of Denver. Im on a super Huge job hunt hoping to find money so i wont be so behind. I love it here i actually feel like ive found a place where i fit in. I met a boy at the dog park on wednesday. we talked about our dogs! lol....lame i no..but when all else fails always talk about something you know you have in common. we exchanged nothing more than a nice chat though. Its really weird cause i feel seriously on my own here even though ppl have helped me get here those ppl now seem like theyre so far away. I have spent this weekend at my aunts who lives about 35 minutes south of me which is really super nice to finally have them be so close. I wont have more updates in here for a while cause my computers broken and i dont have my proof of purchase from nebraska to get it fixed here so that will be a task but ill def update whenever i have a chance especially if i see the dog park guy again! Much love xoxo

Day 1- nothingness

Have you ever sat and thought why we have days where you absolutely can't think of a thing to do. I spent my whole day today pondering what you can do when theres really nothing to do. and well i came up with nothing. I didnt get called to go in to the schools and sub so i didnt have to work today. You would think i would be excited but im not. I need money so i can stay alive in colorado. Now back to my thinking process I hardly slept last night I fell asleep around 3 then I let my dogs out around 8 am then i crawled back in bed with them and just laid there...didnt sleep just laid for 2 hours..and I really wasnt thinking about anything specific. I think I'm having a hard time sleeping cause im so nervous and anxious about leaving for colorado next monday that my mind is just racing. First I thought about all the bad things that could happen if i go out there, I could risk not finding a job not making my car payment, not making any friends just a whole mess of things. Then I thought to myself when have you ever been scared and hesitant about anything in your life amanda?!? Get it together!! I've come to the conclusion that Im freaking out for no good reason everything will work out thats where im meant to be and things will work themselves out.
Now another thing I went to my aunts tonight to watch a movie with her and Alyssa. Now I have this little switch in my brain that everytime I see a movie no matter how cheesealicious it is that my life has a smidgen of a chance of ending up like that, when I know that i am stuck here in real life that nothing comes as easy as the movies and im going to have to work my hind end off to get what i want.
My life thus far has been more of a thriller/comedy rather than a romantic comedy. For those of you that dont know my life story in a nutshell I am 21, recently divorced( This explains most of my life diffulcities right now) and I have this horrible thing I like to call emotional shopping what a drag. so all baggage aside I consider myself a pretty cool person. HAHA! I really am though but some day soon after alot of perserverence and with the helpful boost of my soon to come relocation I am hoping for my life to become this Romantic comedy that every girl hopes for. Back to my movie switch thing I have found that after every happy movie I watch I walk away with something I hope someday I can apply to my life Like tonight from all about Steve I took the motto "Never change for anybody" I think this is a hard thing not to do because our society is so filled with crap that makes you think you have to be something you're not. This move was empowering because even though she didnt get the guy( which is highly unusual btw) she got the guys respect and realized she was a pretty cool person. Now I may not have Sexy red boots like she did but i think that while my feel good empowerment from this movie lasts I am going to love my self cause I think Im a pretty cool person!

Reason for Creation

So I actually decided to create this place the other day, but just havent gotten around to it until today! The idea struck me when i realized i have so many things that happen in my life that i should just write about them. The actual idea striking situation was on saturday I went to pick up Alyssa at work. The reason I had to pick her up is another blog worthy situation she totaled her car, probably one of the most scary phone calls I've ever received. But shes ok! Only thing injured was her car! so anyways i picked her up and we were driving for like 2 minutes when my car began to shake and make a weird noise. so we pulled over and parked in the parking lot of Quiznos, got out and come to find out i blew a tire! Flipping Fantastic! so i got the spare out and the jack, with the complete intention of changing this tire. Come to find out you need whats called an allen wrench to remove the cover on my hub cap to even get to the bolts.( keep in mind this whole time we were standing outside in -2 degrees with a windchill that made it feel like -19) so keeping this in mind we walked across the parking lot to walgreens to find an allen wrench. Of all the things that walgreens has allen wrenches are not in their inventory but we did find this flat fixer tube thing. So 9 dollars later were back at my car standing outside trying to get this tube connected to my tire to fill it up. Surprise surprise it did not work! so we decided to walk to home depot( against the wind!!) to get these allen wrenches. OK got allen wrenches at home depot, walked around inside the store to warm up then decided to brave it and walk all the way back to my car! then we started taking the cover off to find the bolts so we used the tool that came with the jack to take off the bolts so we twisted and turned and turned and could not get it unscrewed. FINALLY a nice boy from quiznos came out and offered his assistance, now im not the lets be girly and let the boys do all the work cause im to prissy type but it was frickin cold out there so i figured he could do it a little quicker so i let him! he got it done we thanked him and drove over to sams club where they put a new tire on for me for 70 $. Wow what an evening we followed this adventure with a trip to hyvee to get pizza rolls and garlic bread! Then we curled up on my couch with our lovely puppies and watched the hangover! Great Ending to an eventful day!